A story I wrote on 28.8.2012

There was a mango, among many other mangoes in a market... One day, it caught your attention- maybe it's how it is just ripe the way you like it, or how it's just the size you wanted it to be. So you walked to it, and every step you took added to your mounting hope. You thought to yourself "could this be it, could this be the mango... perfect for me?" And when you were finally close enough, you reached your hand out, touched it, and picked it up. And so it rose, leaving the rest of the mangoes behind. Among the many, it was chosen. By you. 

Just as you were about to put it in your basket, you noticed the rotten spot on it you didn't at first. You felt angry... cheated, deceived, disappointed! All your hopes, collapsed in mere seconds. You threw it back down, and picked another up. It was not as ripe as you would like. It was not the size you wanted. But it was not rotten. 

You went home and told your friend about your encounter with the rotten mango. He sympathised and said "oh well, it was rotten...." When you took out the mango you bought, your friend exclaimed "why, that's a very nice mango you have there!" It comforted you. You thought to yourself again "well, this was not the mango I wanted, but my friend is right. It's not rotten, and I should be grateful."

And you were happy with your mango. Your friends were happy that you're happy. 

But no one thought of the rotten mango, still sitting in the market. How it was picked up, and later, thrown aside. How the rotten mango was given false hope it didn't ask for. 

The fruit-seller realised this. How the mango always attracted customers to his shop. The fruit-seller also noticed how each buyer will eventually throw that mango away at the sight of the rotten spot, but will eventually buy another. Few walked away empty handed.

Time passed, and one day the fruit seller noticed how the mango was more rotten than it used to be. Maybe it's the many throws, maybe it's the natural process of rippenning. The fruit seller noticed how the rotten mango was emitting a foul smell, chasing all his customers away. So he took the mango, and threw it away. 

And the mango was never seen and heard of, since.

This morning, in the train, a little girl of about five was fighting with her brother of about twelve or so.

She soon started to scream. Seeing this, the elder sister of about ten came to them and tried to pull them apart. When this failed, she slapped the little five year old in the face a few times.

The five year old, shocked but still angry and crying, began punching her brother in the head with her little hands. He took the blows, smirking. His hands strong, his built bigger than his two little sisters'.

The elder sister turned to the brother and spoke to him quietly, asking him to stop. Almost begging.

The cause of the fight was over a few RM1 notes - which the brother had apparently snatched from the five-year old and didn't want to return. He gave half of it back, when he saw that the people in the train were looking.

Patriarchy begins at home.

Growing up, I didn't have a brother to look up to. I am the daughter, I am the son. I am the sister. I am the brother. My mom would always say "what boys can do, you can too. As well if not better". I grew up believing that. Nothing is too heavy, too hard, too tough, or too dangerous.

There were times I wish I had an elder brother to look up to. But looking back, I am not sure if I will be the woman I am today if I had one.

A poem I wrote about 4 years ago.

"In you I see my other half,

You teased, tickled, and made me laugh,

I went against all odds and fought,

To be the princess that you sought.

I dreamt that there would be a day,

When you would stand in my way,

You'd grab and sweep me off my feet,

Our bodies unite our lips would meet.

I fought and tried to make you mine,

Set the mood, candlelights, and wine,

I waited and waited but in vain,

You treated me with disdain.

One day you knelt and held my hand,

Alas my dream came to an end,

How could I not feel a thing?

Why didn't my heart leap and sing?

In you I see my painful past,

That I am able to let go at last,

Silly and naive I had fought,

But you're not the prince I sought."

So for once I spent the evening reading - books and not cases, and I came across this:

 "when it comes to dating, knowing more about a person leads to less love - not more. The basic finding is that when we know very little about your potential romantic partners, our imagination fills in the gaps in overoptimistic ways (if he likes music, he must like the kind of music I like and not seventeenth-century Baroque) and then we meet them for coffee and our high hopes are crushed. Oddly, we also found that this disappointment shows up time after time, and that online dating enthusiasts don't seem to learn from their negative experiences and don't tame their overoptimistic expectations."

Anyway, I think what's wrong here is how the author equates/confuses love with infatuation.

Love isn't about imagination. It isn't about the unknown. Love is certain. It's unchanging. People change. Feelings change. But love. Perseveres. It weathers the rain and the hurricanes!

Thanks to books like these, people are the cause of their own downfall. 

Misleading and corrupting!

On this article: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/real-love-is-a-choice_b_6039412.html

These lines ring true to me:

"You don't choose who you're attracted to, but you definitely choose who you fall in love with and (more importantly) who you stay in love with"

"Our society places a lot of emphasis on feelings. We are taught that we should always follow our feelings and do whatever makes us happy. But feelings are very fickle and fleeting."

But what I think is missing is this: that the key to any long-lasting relationship, or at least, the starting premise, should be that deliberate choice to love YOURSELF first (which is not synonymous to being selfish).

A relevant deeply profound quote I think is that by Paulo Coelho in his book, Eleven Minutes:

"They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything."

So choose to fall in love, and stay in love with yourself first, because it's easier to love another when you feel loved within. And dictate how you want to feel, not the other way around.

I have been to the KL High Court, Shah Alam High Court, and the Putrajaya Federal Court / Court of Appeal a couple of times now, but today I'm at the court for my second case management. Got down the cab and for the first time saw this building from this POV. It's beautiful. (it's partly how clear and blue the sky is, yay!)

Anyway, to get to the court, I have to use the public transport now that I don't drive. And I have taken the cab for a few times now.

What's amusing is that I have been asked the same questions over and over again, in more or less this order:

(1) Cina ke? 

(2) Umur berapa? 

(3) Sudah kahwin ke? 

(4) Lawyer ke?

More interesting than the questions themselves is actually the order that they come in. Don't you think?

Every single time.

Anyway - if it interests you:

(1) Malaysian

(2) Muda selalu

(3) Insya Allah

(4) Kuli

So I was talking to this married woman who left her husband for another married man who never did divorce the first wife after all.

She was lamenting on and on about how he used to sweep her off her feet so much so that she left everything, her family, her kids, her husband, for him! And now all he does is hit her in the face (and other places).

Now, nice guys aren't boring. They just don't do what bad guys do - they don't send you on an emotional roller coaster. You will not be the one making all the sacrifices.

And if you really think about it, there are better and healthier ways to get the highs in life - like picking up a new skill or doing things outside your comfort zone - like climbing a mountain (literally) or going for that backpack trip alone. Surprise yourself! With what you can do.

And while you're at it - nice guys, if they are there at all, are there to cheer you on (and up) and catch you if you fall.

When in doubt, never ever fall back on feelings. They are momentary and often they are induced by what may not even be real in the first place. Face the cold hard facts - and make the difficult decisions. These are what will keep you from going astray.

While I was having a short early dinner (coz I had to skip lunch) after work today a couple who sat at a table near mine was also having theirs.

Throughout, neither spoke to each other. They were both on their phone. And when they were not, they couldn't or wouldn't look at each other. Not a single word was exchanged. It was as if two strangers somehow ended up having their dinner together on the same table. It was as if they would rather be anywhere else. What could they be thinking?

And that reminded me of what a friend once said -
"it's easier to connect with a stranger because you know so little and there's so much to talk about. But it's not as easy to connect with someone you have known for years." 

And also what I once said -
"the longer I know a person the more quiet and distant I become".

And maybe also what One Republic once said (or sang) -
"I loved you with a fire red now it's turning blue".

Goodnight.

It's post like these that keep women from leaving a relationship that is rotten to the core right from the very start.

The worst mistake any woman can make is to be able to finally muster enough courage to leave a rotten relationship only when it's too late.

Of course this is not to say that leaving is always the way to go. It's knowing when to leave and not let the fear of losing someone close hold you back.

P.s. I know I sound cynical. How could I read something supposedly empowering and positive in such a negative light? I think it must be the fact that I just spent the day with vulnerable and helpless women.

 Bear with me.